If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
