highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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