He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
