last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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