i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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