I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
