my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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