The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
