well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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