i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
