I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
