Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
