I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
