I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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