There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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