don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
