I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
