afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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