I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
