In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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