Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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