96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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