I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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