Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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