I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
