I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
