I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
