I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
