upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
