Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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