After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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