I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
