i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
