cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
