I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
