I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
