he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
