Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
