Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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