Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
