Four minutes until I can fart!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
