Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
