her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
