after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
