Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
