My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
