When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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