Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
