Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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