pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
