if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
