I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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