before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
