Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
